Fixing my oven!!

so i don't know how to really begin this blog other than jumping right in. so please enjoy it and hopefully in a couple months i'll be able to report good news as a result. about a week ago 2 co-workers were joking with me about why i don't want kids yet. "is it because you have enough kids here at school ms. brie?" my response is, "ha ha, yeah, thats why i don't want kids." one of them didn't catch my brush off response and asked again differently. "No really ms. brie, you don't want kids, too much trouble?" for fear that the brush wouldn't work again and that i might have to make up another excuse, i lightly said, "oh, yeah, i'm saving up for a boat." well, that is my usual response, but this time i was polite and just said, "it hasn't really worked for me yet," followed by me changing the subject. that co-worker left the room and the other one, nora, said, "ms. brie, my sister couldn't get pregnant for 6 years and then she went to my friend, Lupe, for a "belly massage" and two months she was pregnant and now she has 3 kids." well that peaked my interest and wondering if my insurance covered this masseuse i asked, "how much does she cost?" $15!!! "is she a licensed massage therapist," i asked. "uh, no," she said.
well i stopped and realized what this meant: a) she is cheap. b) she has no training, and f)she is just some random friend of a friend who rubs lotion on your belly to help you get pregnant.. i was skeptical to say the least, but after several years of trying, with conventional medicine and wisdom i decided to do something different..so nora gave me Lupe's number.
i talked to russ and he was all for it..i went to work the next day and told my good friend amanda about this elusive "LUPE". she offered to go with me and since she spoke spanish, i thought it'd be a good idea. so a few days later, amanda and i were in the car going to Lupe's house to get my "oven fixed," as amanda puts it.
we show up to this apartment, not in the best area of town, and knocked on the door. i'm not sure what i was expecting, but when lupe opened the door, in what looked like a dirty, well shirt and short, i started thinking...is this sanitary? she welcomed us and led us into this dark room....amanda sat on the bed and translated Lupe's questions or should i say question. she only asked me one..."how long have you been married?" I replied, Just over 4 years." She answered with, in spanish, "Take off your shirt and lie down." On the floor she laid down some random blanket and a couple pillow from this bed, and i being keenly aware of germs and lice ( comes with my profession) was desperately fighting with myself about laying down half naked on a baby making blanket...eeewwww.
i sucked it up and laid down with my shirt pulled up. i told amanda, that she was going to be getting more of show than she ever wanted...she just said, "they're boobs, you can see mine later!" i laughed and it made it more comfortable which was good because i was anything but comfortable laying 1/2 naked on an unknown blanket. lupe started rubbing "cream" on my belly and pushing very deeply on my lower abs. you could just hear the gas rolling around in my belly, and it wasn't getting any quieter. with each rub, my belly was growling back in pain. she looked at me and then repeatedly said to Amanda, she has a lot of AIR in her belly-HOLD IT, translation means -she has a lot of gas-and i did. i'd been chewing gum, ate a quick lunch...not good. but lupe kept pushing and massaging so hard it was really hard to "hold it in" if you know waht i mean...i wanted to let it go, but couldn't just fart in these small quarters with this unknown latino women...it wouldn't be right...so i kept tightening my abs just hoping she'd stop, and after 10 minutes she did. but then she asked me to get on all fours and put my but in the air...could this get any more awkward..not to give too much information, but thats the stink bug position, to release some AIR from your body...I was thinking, you've got to be kidding me? now she wants me fart in her face??...no she didn't want me to fart, she said to brace my forehead with my hands while she pushed and thrusted my hips forward almost knocking me over. she pushed me forward with her hands on my bum and all the while, and i awkwardly on all fours just hoping she doesn't jog anything loose...after that i was once again on my back with her rubbing more cream...however, surprisingly it didn't hurt anymore...that was odd, i didn't pass any gas. she then immediately asked me, which was more like a statement, "It doesn't hurt anymore does it?" i said no, and she told me that my tilted uterus was now aligned again, and it is this that would help get me pregnant. i was also supposed to follow a routine of rubbing fresh, hot aloe vera gel and a special cream on my belly each morning so that the inflammation would lessen and the sperm can swim easier..I can't make this stuff up.
but, the massage didn't end there. she said after she aligned me that she had done what she needed to, to help me get prego, but that the next stuff was just "Extra!" I was summoned to talk my shirt completely off and lay on my stomach...i did, and she massaged my back for a few minutes. i was then told to sit up "between her legs against the bed" for her to massage my neck. 1/2 naked, chest hanging all over, between a ladies legs that i've known for 13 minutes.
however, she then started loosely moving my neck like the chiropractor does right before he adjusts your neck...well, that freaks me out and i started saying, "amanda, i'm not comfortable with this, and as quickly as i was saying it she was translating it and being completed ignored. Crack, went my neck. Then she started the other side and i repeated the same things...but couldn't jerk away quickly bc i didn't want to be paralyzed from lupe...so i said it again and then Crack..my neck.
Well i thought it was finished until i saw her bring out the alcohol and jars... she then poured some isopropal alcohol into a jar and out again and then wiped it out on her unclean shirt. she got the lighter out and lit it inside the jar and then immediately put it on my back...the heat mixed with alcohol and against my back created a suction and my skin was sucked up inside the jar. She repeated this back sucking process about ten times and only managed to slightly burn 3 times...that was nice of her :) It was so bizarre, this whole process. she said she was sucking the "AIR" or toxins out of my body..enough about my air already, i get it. I have a lot of Great Attitude and SPirt (GAS)..and let me remind you that this part was just an extra perk that she was throwing in. ALl in all it was a hilarious experience...and i am going to be believing. i am following her instructions to rub hot, fresh aloe on my belly everyday and special cream that you can only find a latino market...all in all, i am just hoping this works..if anybody else would enjoy an unforgettable experience, i can get you hooked up with LUPE!!